Left alone I locked the door and threw away the key. No contact with my heart. No contact with my body. Only the dull monotonous tone of numbing… Which substance? Any substance that alleviates actually having to feel because I don’t know what’s real. Under the mask and the nice girl image was a master saboteur, a wild one, a savage. I know the low after the high will be tough. I’ve woken up too many times feeling rough but in this moment I don’t care. I want to feel that euphoric bliss. I don’t care that I’m poisoning you with toxins that seep deep into my tissue.
The relationship that will see me until my final days. The ultimate relationship in so many ways. With me since birth. The witness to my low self worth That led me to abuse, trauma, neglect, pain And now every cell feels the shame. The programmes passed down from generation to generation. Can I break the cycle? Can I be the one to say no more? Can I be the one to break free of addictions allure? Open up the healing process as I acknowledge you as the only home I’ll ever own and even at that our fate is known. That one day I’m destined to leave you behind. Did I treat you to the best of my ability? Was I kind?
I’m so sorry I never saw you for who you truly are but this journey we’ve been on we’ve come so far. You’re so misunderstood. A genius, so selfless. You’re my biggest cheerleader and I’ve been so selfish. Obsessed with how you look and the extra inch around your waist. What a sad lens to see you through. A harsh reality I’ve had to face.
As women we’ve drunk from the well of poison to be so concerned with how we look on the outside. Conditioned to believe our worth and looks are tied. Tied together to create our identity as the invisible self, the soul, the spirit has no place in this reality.
Well I welcome her home as I wave the white flag with you my beloved body. We’ve been in battle for too long and both of us are tired. I want to be your best friend, your partner, treat you like I would my lover. Step into my role as your divine mother. I want to whisper sweet nothings in your ear. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m finally here. I no longer need to leave you or dissociate. Instead you are my home, my sanctuary, the place where I feel most safe.
Oh my sweet body, I’m sorry. Thank you for all you do. Slowly I’m learning and remembering how to love you.
Poem/Image from Mayla Lambert
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Join us in September 2024 for a series on Unravelling Shame – In this period between Lughnasadh and Samhain as we move from the light towards the darker half of the year, we invite you to join us to shine the light together into the darkness of the shame that we each carry.
We’d love it if you’d join us on this journey to unravel shame.
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