5 Ways to Shed Shame
Firstly, what is shame?
Shame can be defined as a powerful, often painful emotion that arises from a feeling of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Shame can be felt as the paralysing sensation of fear, keeping us stuck in the story that we are not enough, we are going to be found out or we do not belong.
Shame isn’t guilt. Guilt is behaviour based, for example “I did something bad”. Shame gets more personal, and is identity based, for example, “I am bad”.
For me, I consistently felt it as this warm wash of inadequacy, often bringing tightness to my chest and a constriction in my stomach. It felt like a shorter breath, blushing cheeks and a lump in my throat preventing me from speaking my truth. The fear of disconnection would flood my being and it often froze me completely.
Growing up, I became very familiar with this feeling, as the belief that there was ‘something wrong with me’, and that ‘I was not good enough’, followed me into everything.
I was ashamed about how deeply I felt, sure that my sensitivity was more of an affliction than a strength. I was painfully self-conscious about my body, believing that it didn’t meet societal standards; feeling intense shame about how it looked. I was ashamed of my poor mental health and how much I was struggling even with ‘the basics’. I felt shame when I would drink to blackout, having no idea of my actions the night before. I’ve felt it in dropping out of college, struggling in business, finding it tough to cope, being rejected, making mistakes.
In anything I did, (or ‘failed’ to do), shame would be there weighing heavy on my body and mind, reiterating my unworthiness and replaying all my regrets.
It stifled my expression, perpetuated the anxiety I was feeling and made sure that I would not gain any confidence in myself.
But as someone who highly values expression, as well as authenticity, growth, and freedom, I eventually realised I couldn’t allow shame’s hold to continue keeping me stuck.
On my healing journey, I started questioning the shame, learning about its roots and committed to do what I could to melt it away.
Here’s what helped me most:
- Name it to Tame it
Shame needs three things to thrive – secrecy, silence and judgement. The more we don’t speak about it, the more it grows.
I learned that I had to start putting language on it in order to overcome it. Initially, it could be tough for me to even identify it, but when I did, it gave me more understanding so that I could either help myself or receive help with it. I started getting acquainted with how it sounds in my mind, the sensations it creates in my body, the behaviours and inclinations that it can spur.
Now I know that simply expressing it helps to alleviate the feeling, as shame cannot survive in the spoken word. Just letting someone that you trust know that you’re struggling with it can help to massively reduce it.
- Embrace Vulnerability
To me this means, take the risk of being an imperfect, emotional and flawed human; have the courage to let your true self be seen. Not gonna lie, I found this one a challenge.
Shame can manifest as perfectionism, trying to convince us that the only way we’ll be acceptable and enough is if we reach the impossible standard of perfection.
Shame says – you’ll be judged and rejected for how you are.
Vulnerability leans into – I am choosing authenticity regardless of how I’m received.
Vulnerability is the risk that rewards us with resilience. It hears shame wanting to hide, and avoid life for fear of judgement, and offers us the invitation to show up anyway, to lean into discomfort and realise we can handle it. And when we do, we strengthen connections, we build confidence and we realise how truly capable we are.
- Practice Self-compassion
Shame will either tell us that “We’re not good enough”, or if we get past that it tries to drag us back down with a “who do you think you are?” It is ridiculously committed to criticism, leaving us with little opportunity to actually feel good about ourselves.
And we don’t have to tolerate that.
That little voice in our heads driven by shame can be challenged. We can choose to question it and ask – would I say that to a friend?
If we wouldn’t, it’s not okay to say it to ourselves. Notice the ways shame speaks in your mind and the behaviours it drives in your life. See if you can translate your inner voice into one of compassion. See if you can bring more self-kindness into your actions. Practice swapping criticism for compassion and see what changes for you.
- Practice Self-Forgiveness
Shame is great at living in the past. The problem is, that’s not where your life is happening.
As Maya Angelou said “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”
A lot of the stories shame keeps regurgitating to keep us feeling inadequate are not even tangible. They’re past occurrences that we can do nothing about now. Whatever you said, did, didn’t do, or didn’t say is irrelevant now because you cannot change it.
A big part of releasing shame is forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for all your mistakes, for the messy moments, for the regrettable times, for anything that you are continually holding onto against yourself. Let it all go.
You are not a bad person, you’re quite simply, human!
- Practice Empathy
One of the most beautiful things to hear when sharing our shame can be “me too”.
That shared connection with others shows Shame that we are not the unacceptable, unworthy person it has convinced us we are. I’ve shared so many things over the years, terrified of how they would be received because of the crippling shame I was carrying, certain there would be so much judgement or disappointment, and it never came.
I was met with understanding and acceptance. I realised that these experiences are part of the human condition. None of us are sailing through life without some shame or niggles of inadequacy.
Empathy is the ability to understand and feel with someone, creating a sense of connection and the realisation that we are never alone. When we learn to empathise with ourselves, we can do the same with others. We bring down the walls that shame has built and allow for true connection to finally flourish.
Navigating shame can be a challenge as we unravel the many layers of it buried within us, but it can be done. Like all of our emotions, it carries a signal and message and points us towards the places within that may be lacking our compassion, acceptance and empathy. It calls us into deeper wholeness, inviting us to meet the parts of ourselves that need us most.
“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way- especially shame, fear and vulnerability”
- Brené Brown
Text and image from Yvonne Doherty
@daretolivecoaching
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Join us in September 2024 for a series on Unravelling Shame – In this period between Lughnasadh and Samhain as we move from the light towards the darker half of the year, we invite you to join us to shine the light together into the darkness of the shame that we each carry.
Contact @saoroexperience , @satnamtherapy or @michaelryan_thewayhome if you’ve questions or you’d like to get involved…
