It had been years!

Years spent dreaming of meeting a white knight who would somehow magically appear and gallantly swoop in and save me. The revelation that unveiled on my healing journey was that the “saving” was never going to come from someone else.

There was no rescue mission. No offer of a life vest, no line or rope thrown to the rescue. Rather, it was my own purposely designed life vest. Curated by me, and I saved myself. The brave and heroic knight on a white charger looked a little different than I had once imagined. Not a tall dark handsome Man in sight. Instead, I stood face to face, looking back at my own reflection. It was me. It could never have been someone else, it had to be me.

Having spent my entire life looking outside of myself for approval. For verification. For validation. Then to finally have realised what I had been looking for was already within me. It was never outside. It was never a million miles away like I thought. The constant searching. Instead, it was tucked up safely inside of me, waiting. All that time. Patiently. For me to one day, discover it.
The external seemed to have always called to me. The shiny lights of everything outside of myself. The internal, a place that was rarely visited. On the rare occasion it was visited, only a fleeting encounter. Not quite sure what was wrong, but definitely not wanting to stay there too long.
So, I looked outside of myself. I looked at everything related to “self-care” and was enthralled by the promises of newness. I signed up to the lot. I tried it all. Retreats, miracle mornings, Yoga, Cold Water Immersion, Therapy, Energy Healing, Meditation, Wellness Communities, Cacao ceremonies.
They were all wonderful. A wonderous world of wellness.

When I had the days that were filled with self-doubt and questioning myself, “What was I actually doing? Another retreat? Another wellness morning? What is all this?
I turned to asking myself what I would have done for someone I loved, to help them? To help them if they were struggling. If they were in pain, and there was something in their life that they were really battling.

The answer? It was anything, everything. So what would I do for myself? What should I try? Turns out, it was the same answer. I would try Anything. I would try Everything.
Then came the books, oh all the books. Desperately scouring the pages thoroughly for the written map, the way. Unbeknownst to me it was an intangible map which no-one could ever have written, nor could they ever been able to see. For it was my journey to take and this was a journey that could never have been seen. Instead, this was a journey that needed to be felt. I needed to feel my way. So, my feelings became my road map. My directions, my own unique sat nav co-ords. That only I could see. That only I could read. The destination only known to me.
Knowing where I wanted to go, but that destination wasn’t ever going to be a place. It was going to be a feeling.

I developed a sense of direction, in an unconventional sense. When something just felt inherently right, I knew I was heading in the right direction. It didn’t come as anything massive or monumental, just like a gentle knowing. Like a soft breeze, calling me. This way. Cautious small steps at first. Yet over the years they were replaced with confident strides. Sensing and feeling my way forward.

Then one day, years later I realised I had arrived. To the place I had dreamed of. The place I had longed for. The place where my new life could begin. What was that place? Peace. Not the “Instagram-able” quote peace but a deep, real and meaningful peace.

A peace that meant I was no longer afraid. A peace that meant I was no longer ashamed. A peace that meant I was no longer staying in the shadows. A peace that meant I was no longer afraid of the dark and finally, a Peace that meant I was no longer afraid of telling my story.

The truth is, I know that I can’t ever change what has happened to me, but the one thing I absolutely can change is what happens next.
Slowly, I started to captain my own Ship. I had become the one in control. As I began to take the helm to steer, I also found myself letting go. I finally let go of the pain, and I let go of the shame. Such a mix of opposites, holding firm steering confidently, while with ease and freedom, finally letting go.
Maybe in reading this, you might think that “letting go” that I am referring to sounds impossible. Like a fairy-tale. Like well-ness woo woo.
Maybe saying to yourself, well that’s all very well and good for you, but that is not my path, I can’t get there, I won’t ever get there. I can’t let go of what happened to me. How could you ever dare. Your path doesn’t sound like mine.

What I can tell you is I am You! I’ve been exactly where you are right now. I am standing right beside you. I have felt all the emotions, I’ve had the negative self-talk playing out on repeat. I have had the feeling that I wouldn’t survive. But I did and you Will! You can! You Are!
I did it one day at a time, one decision, one whim. One smile. Having a good cry. Allowing myself to be curious. All while feeling terrified to try new things but being brave enough to still try them.

Mostly, it was about being brave enough to sit into the pain, and truth of My story.
Healing is a journey that will always continue. One I will need to work on for the rest of my life but that’s ok. I’ll do it. Every single day, I choose this over that, and I’ll choose this over that every single time.

I still have those days. Days where I must dig deep, to use everything I have learned. Days where i must remind myself.
“I am enough, I have always been enough. I am not broken”.

It’s true, I am not broken, and neither are you. You are not broken.

The shame that I felt did not belong to me, it is not mine and guess what, it’s not yours. It was never mine and it certainly was never Yours.
The answers sometimes come to us at a crossroads in our life. When we are on our knees and can’t see a way out. They can come as the whispers, or the whims. Those nudges that encourage you to follow something. That sense of feeling utterly drawn to or called to something.

Getting to know who you really are, because as you search for that hero, you will inevitably become one. I had thought I needed and was searching for a Hero my whole life. Maybe though, that hero had always been there. I just had to learn for myself that the hero was me.
She needed a Hero, so that’s what she Became”.